


fuck you, Spock

by naomi_winchester



Series: Trekkie Love Triangle [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: :(((, Cheater Spock, Cheating, F/M, Hurt Jim, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Jim Kirk, M/M, Oblivious Jim, Pining, Regret, Spock Is A Thot, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, i regret writing this, it makes me sad :(((
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 19:15:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14142756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naomi_winchester/pseuds/naomi_winchester
Summary: Jim catches Spock and Uhura together on his and Spock's one year anniversary.He decides to confront him with a song at the ship's monthly karaoke night.Bones pines.DISCLAIMER: I LOVE SPOCK, HE IS MY POINTY EARED BABY AND I HATE MAKING HIM MEAN, but also it served the purpose of this fic quite nicely. Let's be honest I'd probably write a cheating!Spock again in a heartbeat *shrugs*Also, I don't own "F.U." by Little Mix.





	fuck you, Spock

When Jim first discovered that everything Spock had told him was a lie, he had been devastated. But maybe looking back, he thinks that he should have known.

Jim had planned it to be a very special night. After all, it was the one-year anniversary of their relationship, and Jim was very excited to spend the night with Spock. He made Spock’s favorite and even put in enough effort to dress nicer than usual, wearing a mostly buttoned dress shirt and slacks.

He got roses from Sulu’s genetic garden, placing a dozen of them in a vase at the center of their dinner table. Now he just had to find Spock.

Kirk grinned as he ran through the halls of his ship, looking for his favorite pointy-eared Vulcan. He finally catches a glimpse of him, and calls out excitedly, “Hey, Spock! I…” Kirk’s grin falls and his words get caught in his throat.

Spock and Uhura kissing quickly become engraved in his mind.

He kisses her hungrily, like he was starved for her, and she responds in kind. The Vulcan’s touches on her body look practiced, and Jim doesn’t doubt for a moment that this wasn’t the first time it had happened. Jim thinks that Spock might not have ever looked at him like that. Like he was ravenous for him, like Jim was the only sustenance he could have ever wanted or needed.

Maybe Spock just never wanted him at all.

They didn’t even notice him. Who would, with all that going on? He just… Jim stares at them, unable to move at the end of the hall as he watched them tumble haphazardly into a bedroom mere meters away, leaving little to the imagination on what they were doing.

He had gone to Bones that night, feet leading him to his door on automatic, knocking almost robotic-ally on his door, feeling numb. The first of many tears fall when Bones answers the door, annoyed expression swiftly turning into soft concern for his friend. “Jim? What’s going on? Did he forget? I swear if that stupid green-blooded hobgoblin forgot-” He abruptly stops ranting when he sees Kirk start to cry harder, anger draining away. “… What’s wrong, sugar?” The nickname slips out like it always does when Jim gets upset.

Jim’s voice is weak and cracks when he says, “He doesn’t love me anymore.”

Bones eyes soften. “Oh honey, I’m sure that’s not true.” McCoy had guessed, after all these nights of Jim being with him instead of Spock, the majority of those nights quietly voicing insecurities about their relationship to McCoy, but… he had hoped he was wrong, for Jim’s sake.

“He, she- Bones he had his hands all over her! He was kissing her-” Kirk wails.

McCoy’s eyes widened in surprise. _Cheating?_

“I went to get him for dinner and he just- I think I’m gonna be sick,” Jim says abruptly, and Bones quickly moves aside while Jim rushes to the doctor's bathroom, falling to his knees and retching up his earlier lunch.

The doctor lets out a sad sigh as he gets down next to Jim, running his hands through the captain’s tousled blond hair as the man gasps for air, sobbing. “I’m sorry, darlin'. I never thought-” McCoy goes silent for a few moments. _Surely not…?_ “Jim? It wasn’t-” he pauses, not sure how to say it. “It wasn’t Uhura, was it?”

Jim’s sobbing gets louder.

_Dammit. Is there not a shred of decency in anyone on this goddamn ship?_

McCoy pulls Jim into a hug, and Kirk presses his face into the crook of Bones’ shoulder. The doctor can feel Jim shaking, and his heart pangs in something so familiar, that feeling, that same wish he’d had for years… _If I had you, Jim Kirk, I would never make you cry. If things were different… if you loved me…_

_But you don’t._

Later, Jim leaves, embarrassed as hell and resigned to a confrontation. He goes back to his and Spock’s rooms, and he sits on one of the chairs in the front room facing the door and waits.

It’s late when Spock finally comes back, and Jim notes that he looks no different than normal. He’s not disheveled, his clothes are orderly, and there’s not a hair out of place. Not for the first time, Kirk wonders how many nights Spock had slept with her, then came back to sleep with him.

It made Jim feel disgusting and dirty, and he itched for a shower, for anything to make him clean again.

“T’hy’la,” Spock said in surprise.

 _Lies,_ Jim thinks. _I was never yours. Why would you tell me I’m your ‘one and only’? That I’m your beloved? It was never true._

Spock studies him. “You are up late,” he observes.

God, he doesn’t even look nervous. He must have done it so many times that he thinks Jim would never find out.

“Yeah,” Kirk chokes out, voice hoarse. His throat burns as he tries to hold back tears, but is unsuccessful.

Spock frowns as he moves forward, kneeling next to the armchair. He swipes a gentle finger under Jim’s eyes, thumb becoming wet with Jim’s tears. Kirk turns away from the touch, squirming to get away from Spock and his fake gentle touches. The same gentle touches he probably used with __her.__

“You are distressed, Jim. What is wrong?” Spock asks him, and to Jim, it all sounds wrong. He seems so genuine, so concerned, and it breaks Jim’s heart.

Kirk looks down at his lap, tears falling and making damp spots on his shirt. _You don’t love me. I gave you everything and you gave it to her. You told me I was different but you wanted her instead. You led me on. You don’t love me. You don’t care about me. You wouldn’t have done this if you did. You had your hands on her and then you put them on me. You don’t love me. You told me you did but you never meant it. You don’t love me._

“Nothing,” Jim croaks. “It’s stupid.”

Spock searches Jim’s eyes like he’s searching for the real answer. He’ll never find it. “Nonetheless,” the Vulcan says, almost _tenderly_ , “I will be there for you to the best of my abilities.”

He gathers Jim in his arms, picking him up, carrying him up the small set of stairs to their bedroom. Kirk buries his frown in Spock’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut so that no tears might escape, and he doesn’t even bother to mention that it was their one-year anniversary as Spock takes him to bed.

 

 

 

 

When he gets to the small raised platform put together for the night, everyone is finally seated. Jim pretends he doesn’t feel a pang of hurt when Spock sits next to Uhura at the tables below, instead choosing to feel angry about it as he punches in the name of the song into the karaoke machine.

Jim sways left and right to the beat of the song, one hand tapping out the rhythm onto his leg, and the other holding the microphone up to his mouth. Slow, simmering anger boils in his blood as he remembers that night.

“All damn night, I was here waiting. Cooked your favorite, dressed up real nice…” He looks Spock directly in the eyes. “I know you were with her, I know that you kissed her!” For a moment, he gets the satisfaction of seeing Spock’s mask break in momentary shock and maybe even a tiny bit of guilt. But Spock very quickly covered it up, soon looking as unemotional as ever, making Jim angrier.

“You came home late, and I was so mad…” he chuckles ironically, giving a crooked sad smile to his crew. “Had my break up speech ready, then you kissed my face, it’s the way you persuade me…” His eyes meet Bones, who gave him a sad smile back.

Kirk looks away, overcome with disgust at himself for still loving Spock with everything he had. Even after he lied, even after he had touched _her _.__

“You’re dirty, disgusting… but I can’t get enough of your loving.” His voice dropped as he admits, “Boy, I hate you, really hate you…” then Kirk grins at the crew, only an echo of his normal grin, but not that same sad smile that was nearly all he had left to offer. “Bones said that I shouldn’t date you.” He nearly laughs as Spock looks at Bones, scandalized, and when Bones notices Spock’s gaze he just shrugs, having no reason to defend himself. After all, Bones was right in the end, wasn’t he?

Bones was always right. It would have saved Jim a hell of a lotta trouble if he had just listened to the doctor way back when. But Jim supposed there was nothing he could do about it now.

His voice escalates, emotion coming through, sadness and a hot, burning anger piercing the air. “You’re cheating, you’re lying, and I know that you’re hiding two cell phones! But boy,” Kirk drawls out, shaking his head in disbelief at himself, “right before I say that it’s the end, you sweet talk me again, __yo,__ ” his eyes drift over Spock, and for once in his life, Spock feels like a tiny insect about to be squashed. It is an illogical feeling, considering that he had been the one to commit the act of cheating, but he feels that maybe the heart he claimed not to have is breaking a little. He feels another piece splinter off as Kirk sings defiantly, “I don’t wanna be friends, no!”

Tears brim Jim’s bright blue eyes as he gets more and more frustrated, so much so that maybe he wishes he couldn’t feel at all. “Why am I such a fool when it comes to you? A b c d e-e-e, fuck you.” In the original song, it had just been, “F.U.” but Jim got a childish satisfaction of the fleeting surprise on his crew's faces when he cursed.

His hips begin to sway as the song slows down again, his anger toning down to a quiet self-hate. “All my friends say I’m a sucker… Can’t explain it, it’s complicated-” Spock’s eyes widen as Jim admits swiftly, “I wish you were dead, till you take me to bed…”

Jim’s hand on the microphone tightened. “You’re so good, _so good,_ you lead on my love…” Spock flinches at the accusation.

It’s not false.

Kirk’s eyes rove over Spock, eyes glinting with amusement. “With them brown eyes, and that body- I’ll get my revenge, take my keys to your Benz!”

He sings the chorus again, high on the feeling that Spock is getting the beginning of what he deserves. Jim thinks that Spock looks absolutely miserable, shrinking away from Uhura and down into his seat. And while seeing Spock like this is great and emotionally cathartic and all that… tears come to his eyes as he remembers how much Spock had hurt him to lead up to this point.

He waits until Spock looks at him in the eye. The Vulcan owes him that much.

“I wanna say, ‘shoo, shoo’. I wanna say, ‘screw you’. I practice my lines in the mirror, then you smile, that’s my killer,” Jim sings into the mic. “So I say, ‘love you’, and ‘baby, I need you’… ‘cause you’re drop dead gorgeous, and cupid ain’t coming to warn us…”

Jim suddenly jumps down from the platform, pacing, keeping his distance as he sings angrily, wiping the tears away, “You’re dirty, disgusting, but I can’t get enough of your loving! Boy, I hate you, really hate you- Bones says I shouldn’t date you!” Bones give Spock a smug look, one that Kirk misses.

Jim suddenly stops his pacing, turning, walking a straight line to Spock’s table, voice escalating to a crescendo. “You’re cheating, you’re lying, and I _know_ that you’re hiding two cell phones! But boy, right before I say that it’s the end… you sweet talk me again, _yo _.__  I don’t wanna be friends, _no _.__ ”

Reaching the table, Jim stops, dragging in deep breaths. He kneels before Spock, the message clear. _I give you everything I am. I did, I still am. I want to stop, but I can’t. Everything in me, bows to you._

His voice cracks, sobs trying to push their way through his throat. “Why am I such a fool when it comes to you? A-” Jim swallows. “A, b-”

His head hangs low as he stops trying, not able to get out the last few words of the song.

From the corner of Kirk’s eye, he sees Spock hesitantly reach out to him. “Jim…”

Jim flinches, head turning away, scrambling to get up, to get out-

The crew watches as the captain dashes for the door, microphone dropped to the floor in his haste. Spock flinches as the door slams closed. Uhura, horrified, runs after him, leaving Spock alone at his table. Slowly the rest of the crew leaves and Spock is aware of every member of the crew staring at him in his misery as they leave.

Except for one.

Bones sits in the chair across from Spock, arms crossed. “You really messed up, you know.”

Spock doesn’t bother to look up, continuing to stare at a mysterious spot on the white tablecloth. “I am well aware, doctor.”

Bones’ eyes narrow. “I don’t think you are.” He uncrosses his arms, leaning forward. “He loved you, Spock. I don’t understand it, how someone could throw away a love like that- a love so intense, so real that you could practically drown in it. Seems a bit illogical to me, if I say so myself.” _I wouldn’t waste a love like that,_  goes unspoken.

Spock knows that he will never have another chance with Jim. Not after what he’s done. He also knows that if Jim ever finds another partner, it’s most likely that it would be McCoy. Even so, he takes a chance and confides in him. “Perhaps not, in fact, illogical at all.” He quickly sees that McCoy takes offense to that statement and nearly says something, but Spock rushes to finish his thoughts. “After all, I am Vulcan. We hardly show our emotions, and sometimes we do not even have them. Logicality is all that is left.” McCoy is silent, thoughtful. Spock continues, “And while my human side is rampant with emotions, emotions only for Jim that I cannot contain, I still have that Vulcan trait. I am at war with myself constantly. I would compare the Vulcan trait to one of Jim’s allergies- volatile and unpleasant.”

Bones raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. “What are you saying, that you’re ‘allergic to feelings’?”

“Precisely, doctor. Drowning in love is not the greatest option if you are allergic to the affection you are drowning in.” Privately, Spock believes that drowning was not the greatest analogy, but he keeps silent as to not agitate McCoy further.

This doesn’t satisfy Bones at all. “You’re just afraid, Spock. It’s not something you can’t control. You’re just a coward-”

“Maybe I am!” Spock roars, the word _coward_ ringing in his ears, in his heart.

Bones falls silent.

“I was afraid. I _am_ afraid, and I am a coward. I have done Jim a disservice, in this. I took his feelings, afraid of them, and threw them back into his face. I… I have hurt him,” Spock admits quietly.

“And what are you gonna do about it?” McCoy asks him.

“Nothing,” Spock replies, standing. “There is nothing I can do for him now.”

McCoy sputters, getting out of his seat. “How ‘bout an apology?!”

Spock turns, eyebrow raised. “You truly believe he would accept an apology from me?”

Bones stares at him for a few seconds before scoffing, shaking his head, walking away to the doors. “If you think he wouldn’t accept an apology from _you_ , then you didn’t know James Kirk at all.”

Spock stares silently as he walks away, thinking about one thing: No matter how much it hurts Spock to think about it, Leonard McCoy is the best thing that ever happened to Jim Kirk.

 

 

 

“Jim- Jim, wait!” Uhura’s voice followed him down the corridor, the click of her heels slamming against the metal of the ship as she runs nearly as loud as the pounding of his heart. Sighing, he stops walking, waiting for her to catch up.

She moved in front of him, eyes downcast in shame. “I’m sorry.”

He just waits.

“I never… I never meant to-” Uhura struggles with what she wants to say. “He was mine once,” she settles on, eyes meeting his. “I just wanted him back,” she finishes weakly.

He knows that even she thinks that’s a lame excuse for all the pain she’s caused, but he just sighs. “It’s okay.”

Uhura gives him a knowing look. “No, it’s not.”

He gives her a wry glance. “No, it’s not. But I’ll figure it out,” he says, looking away.

Knowing when she’s being dismissed, Uhura reluctantly lets him leave.

 

Each took different rooms, Jim with Bones and Spock alone, their old room too painful to look at.

The roses, the ones that Jim had _so carefully_ picked out for his beloved, died.

No one saw them at their best.

But Jim can’t help but think that maybe they never had a 'best moment', not when they were intended for someone so heartless. At least, not a moment Jim ever saw. It was ridiculous - because they were roses, not an actual person or anything - but he felt bad for those flowers.

They were better off before Kirk ever touched them.

This is what he thinks as he sweeps away the withered rose petals into a bin, chucking the rotting stems in after them.

Days later, Spock gets his own things from the godforsaken room and notices the dead flowers in the bin. He pauses in what he had been doing, just standing there, staring. He numbly took out a rose stem, the only one with the appearance of a rose, petals just barely hanging on.

 _Jim,_ Spock thinks. _Jim had gotten these._

He sits cross-legged on the soft carpet floor next to the bin, holding this flower, this awful, delicate, _dying_  flower and thinks of Jim.

And to think that for Spock’s entire life, he had endeavored not to feel. He discouraged it, pushed it down, but one thing, and one thing only had ever managed to let those feelings shine through.

 Jim.

His Jim had never failed to make him happy, even if Spock had failed to show it. He supposed he only ever appeared to be empty, heartless, and emotionless… just how he had wanted himself to appear.

He had never felt emptier than he did now, staring at this dead rose that his lover from his now dead relationship had gotten him.

Spock gently pressed his lips against the petals, closed his eyes, and for the first time in a long time, allowed himself to cry at what he had lost.


End file.
